Those of you who are regular readers of The People's Forum will be more than aware of the genius that is ...dog...

If not, sit back, relax and simply immerse yourself into the literary genius of ...dog...

...the lee carsley blues...

They’re booing me for trying.
They’re trying me for sure.
They’re sure that I’m uncertain
I can’t take it anymore.
I was born to dance the ballet,
I was raised to write a book.
I really don’t like football
I think I’ll sling my hook.

I run on an uneven pitch
though I pitch my level best.
The rug that rolls here under me
is tugged on their request.
I want to be an engineer,
I want to visit Rome,
I really don’t like football
I think I’ll stay at home.

I see it in their beady eyes -
they think I’m under par,
but all I am is all I am...
Exactly! There you are!
I might not be the greatest,
not be the chosen one
but I promise you I do my best
and you’ll miss me when I’m gone.

So, I can’t turn on a sixpence
I ain’t no water-walking Bob.
I’m just a journeyman of sorts
paid to do a job;
but you sprawled out on the sofa,
your skin oozing through your vest,
I realise you exemplify
“Nothing but the best”.

Still I really dig the way you are
you’re a true and loyal fan,
not ashamed to state your case
and pillor your own man.
I’ve had enough of football
‘strolling’ in the park,
so thanks for your support lads
and, sod this for a lark

...woof...
...dog...

…despite popular demand, here is my chosen all time great everton side…

…goalkeeper…albert morris: played for everton in the early 40’s when ironically no matches were played due to the introduction of a popular european competition known as world war two: consequently, albert kept a clean sheet for 173 weeks…a remarkable feat of goal-keeping and laundry…

…left and right backs:…derek crane at left back, and jib gantry the great dutch defender on his right…jib obtained 4 dutch caps during his memorable and long career…derek , on the other hand, obtained three dutch caps, two french letters and one english restraining order during one memorable and long night out…together known as the ‘religious rodents’, on account of the fact that their defense was far from watertight (it was as porous as a church mouse)…despite a poor defensive record, they both had great hair and are natural choices for the all time great team…

…midfield: hardly needs stating but the ‘devil’s triangle’ of nobby allcock, wormscrew mortice-locke and adolf ‘blind lemon’ arkwight made everton the team they are today – so if you are looking for someone to blame, blame them…they all met at school where they excelled until expelled yet they continued  to play together in the sixties, originally in a beer keller in hamburg, with their close harmonies when appealing for a penalty being the hallmark of that period…until, that is, adolf took up with a japanese avant-garde artist…the rest (as they say) is not worth writing about…

…wingers: in 1811, the left-winger molotov o’connor joined everton …known for his man-to-mao marxing, he received six full engels caps before moving to das kapital to play for the red of arsenal, molotov was a cocktail of skill and something else that would make the reference to cocktail meaningful, and he went on to be ice-picked for the engels squad on 23 occasions in total…his 5 year plan allowed defenders to putsch up and increased everton’s grain harvest six fold…the right wing is not so obvious, with a two way tie between the testicle-sackville brothers who played together for the blues in the 1920’s…they hung around together so much that they were hard to tell apart…superb ball control and they could dangle in the air effortlessly it seemed …until there was a change in the law…they were perhaps overplayed with during their time in the everton youth…their mixed background (their father was a man, their mother wasn’t, which is unusual for eastern european marriages) meant that they never received international prominence…and they were somewhat overshadowed by the career of nobby allcock – it has been argued that while nobby got the glory of going in and out of the box, it was the testicles who actually did all the work…

…strikers: on our right: nigel truss – everton dynamo of the late 70’s, voted ‘best perm in a forward position’ by the pfa on more than one occasion – his trade-mark short-shorts earned him the nickname of ‘inside leg’…they also earned him two mentions in a society column and a three year suspended sentence for lewd behaviour…presently employed as the chauffeur for a well known ex-tory party member (with the emphasis being on ‘member’ i think), nigel is also a part time tv pundit, which means they put strawberries in him during wimbledon... 

…left: mary williams – not too hot on the field but a cracker in the big bath at the end of the game…and the beginning…and sometime at half time if your lucky…mary was everton’s first choice throughout the 1950’s right the way up to the beginning of the 1990’s…at the end of her pioneering career it was ironic to think that though she joined as the first female professional footballer, when she left, she was only one of several old woman playing for the team…

…centre: difficult, but it has to be me…i have scored more goals for everton in my sleep – literally as well as…erm, no, just literally – than the entire current everton squad have had hot metal objects inserted into their noses…i have played up front and not put a foot wrong, my back has always been in it, i am first to pull my finger out, keep my chin up and to stand up to be counted…to sit to be patted…and to roll over to be tickled…

…i am sure you will all agree: each of the above brings a shade to everton’s history that collectively casts a shadow over our future…

…woof…

…dog…

…more nobby allcock

…i have recently received a numerous email in connection with the publication of my long awaited pamphlet, ‘mumbling blue – the nobby allcock story’….

…i am happy to announce that – despite popular demand and regardless of current liable laws – the long awaited launch of this work is close at hand….

…using the latest print technology, this deluxe first edition pamphlet of nobby’s life is provocatively printed only on one side, allowing you to use the other side for notes, ‘phone numbers and so on – at no additional cost…this juxtaposition of ‘text’ (as we writers call it) with ‘space’ (the final frontier), is symbolic of the subject’s ‘ability’ (the text) and ‘opportunity’ (the blankness)…for it is nobby’s very blankness that is most fondly recalled by evertonians who will almost certainly respond ‘who?’ when nobby’s name is mentioned…before memories flood in…to the general murmuring of ‘oh…that bastard’…

…‘mumbling blue’ deals with nobby’s golden years as catterick’s preferred inside leg measurement and it goes on (and on) right though to his final games under gordon lee, who played him wide, often sending him out for a packet of fags from a little shop in manchester just before kick off…

…the work will be displayed at the everton bookstore using the exterior window surface and a fairly strong adhesive…hurry before stocks are withdrawn…

…woof…

…dog…