Okay folks, after a week or two hiding in my secret underground bunker, ‘reeling’ from the responses of some to my last article (including one questioning was I actually a Red!), when I dared suggest that the present Chairman of Everton Football Club should step down from his position, I’ve now reviewed my own personal opinion of the man who has, almost single-handedly, led Everton to where we are today and, though not quite in the same league as Samuel Pepys’ literary genius that was his Diary, here’s my own mystic overview of the season’s run in….

Feb 14  Christopher Samuelson, interviewed exclusively in the Liverpool Echo, selects St Valentine’s Day to declare undying love for Everton Football Club and claims that the Fortress Sports Fund money is days away – “I spoke directly with Mr Wyness as I sat yet again in Singapore Airport watching the last 25 minutes of the Chelsea game before getting a flight to New Zealand, and he was reassured that the fund is now in place.  I have also managed to secure some new turf at a good price to restore the pitch at Goodison Park.”

Feb 19  Uproar in the media as BBC’s Kate Adie, reporting from outside the Royal Oak pub on war-torn Walton Road, is felled by a flying half-full can of Royal Dutch lager.  Delia Smith instantly labels Everton as sexist!  Meanwhile, inside a hostile Goodison Park, Wayne Rooney is a noticeable absentee as Manchester United are welcomed with open arms while both sides proceed to kick lumps – or seven kinds of shite – out of each other with Everton midfielder Leon Osman rushed off to hospital with suspected contract-breakdown-itis.  The game ends level, one goal each.

Feb 21  Should Everton overcome Manchester United in the FA Cup Fifth Round replay, they will face Tottenham Hotspur, at White Hart Lane, on the weekend commencing March 11.

Feb 26  A jaded Everton lose a tempestuous battle at Villa Park: 2-0 to the home side, a brace scored by Gavin McCann.  Further problems for Everton, with the sending off of Nigel Martyn, for handball outside the box, earning the ex-England keeper a three-match ban.  He will miss the forthcoming Merseyside derby at Anfield as a result.

Feb 27  Chelsea stuff Liverpool in Cardiff’s Millennium Stadium to win this season’s Carling Cup. 

Feb 28  The back page of the Liverpool Echo runs with the headline, “We Will Get Fourth Place – Rafa”; and calls for Nigel Martyn’s three match ban to be extended. 

Mar 2  Controversy reigns at Old Trafford on a dramatic night of missed penalties in the FA Cup replay between Manchester United and Everton.  The Blues take a shock lead thanks to Wayne Rooney who forgot what team he was playing for.  Paul Scholes levelled for United with a goal 22 minutes into 17 minutes of injury time.  Nigel Martyn emerged as the hero of the night when saving the crucial penalty kick from Gary Neville who was forced to take his kick four times as Martyn was deemed to have moved off his line for each kick.  Leon Osman may now be sidelined after an injury received from a flying slice of pizza.

Mar 5  Chairman Bill Kenwright, speaking at the Shareholders Association Dinner at Goodison Park, confirms once again that the Club are working eight days a week to secure fresh investment.  Paul McCartney provides the post-meal entertainment, which fuel rumours of McCartney investing in the Club.  Earlier in the day, wins for the top three push them further clear of the chasing pack.  Liverpool drop two points after their visit to Newcastle ends in a 2-2 draw.

Mar 6  Richard Wright returns as net minder and Everton, for once, avail of the opportunity provided the previous day with Liverpool only drawing, convincing 2-0 winners over luckless Blackburn Rovers who have Robbie Savage sent off.  The result leaves Everton seven points clear of their neighbours (who have a game in hand) and still in fourth place.

Mar 9  Richard Wright is injured in a domestic accident involving Mo Johnston’s old rocking horse, recently purchased off eBay.  Fears for Richard Wright are eased amongst the fans with news that he is now out for the rest of the season.  Iain Turner hopes to make the most of his chance.

Mar 12  A freak accident  to Iain Turner in the warm upforces manager David Moyes to throw Academy goalkeeper, Sean Lake, into the fray at White Hart Lane as Everton face Tottenham Hotspur in the FA Cup Quarter-Final.  Everton come back from the dead, 3-0 down at half time, to secure a famous 10-4 victory and progress to the FA Cup Semi Final.  Hat-trick hero, Leon Osman, is once again the subject of a proposed end of season move to Portsmouth.

Mar 14  Everton are drawn to face Fulham in the semi-final of this season’s FA Cup – tie to be played at Villa Park on April 16.

Mar 15  “With A Little Help From My Friends?” screams the front and back pages of the Liverpool Echo, as stories of Paul McCartney investing in Everton FC continue to surface.  Rick Parry denies radio reports of a shared stadium in Stanley Park being named Beatles Stadium.

Mar 17  Irish born lifelong Everton follower, Christopher Samuelson, selects St Patrick’s Day to finally announce the imminent arrival of the FSF investment but refuses to reveal the identities of his associates in the Fortress Sports Fund.  Private Eye magazine identify ‘actor’ David Hasselhoff as one of Samuelson’s mystery investors – a claim he denies vehemently, saying “there’s nothing left in my kitty.”

Mar 19  Former Everton player, Tomasz Radzinski, in another interview with the Liverpool Echo claims that Liverpool are more than good enough to secure fourth place.

Mar 20  Derby Day at Anfield, and the stakes are high, as Champions League qualification remains the prize for both clubs.  James Beattie earns the wrath of the home supporters with a two footed mid-air reverse lunge on Steven Gerrard who hobbles out of the game early.  Beattie hasn’t even time to get dirty, sent off after four minutes – a new Club record.  He now misses the next five games through suspension.  The game finishes goalless, a result that pleases the Blues more than the Reds.

Mar 21  Rafael Beneathus remains defiant.  The back page of the Liverpool Echo runs with the headline, “We Deserve Fourth Spot – Rafa”; and calls for James Beattie’s five match ban to be extended.

Mar 24   “Come Together” is the headline on the back page of the Echo as rumours of a shared stadium at Central Docks surface.  Liverpool CEO, Rick Parry, dismisses it as pure speculation and remains adamant that Liverpool’s plans to move to nearby Stanley Park proceed despite the mounting cost of the project.

Mar 28  Yet again, Paul McCartney’s name is linked with football in his hometown.  This time, it is rumoured that, should a shared stadium be built at Central Dock, it will require a sponsor.  The popular choice appears to be Beatles-linked; with McCartney offering that “it’s a long and winding road.  If it happens, it happens, we can work it out.  I feel fine about it all and if it happens, it happens.  We’ll let it be.”

Mar 30  “Don’t Let Me Down” screams the Liverpool Echo, as Everton chairman Bill Kenwright awaits final confirmation from Christopher Samuelson on the Fortress Sports Fund investment.  In keeping with the recent theme on the back pages, Mr Kenwright states that with this deal he has “been working eight days a week.  It’s been a hard day’s night and once Chris gets the small print sorted I should be able to bring in new investment with a little help from my friends.”

Apr 1  The Liverpool Echo exclusively reveals that Liverpool Football Club have secured a massive cash injection after months of secret talks between CEO Rick Parry and an unknown Geneva-based financier.

Apr 2  Everton travel to the Hawthorns to face West Brom.  Kevin Campbell scores deep into injury time to earn the home side a vital point in their fight against relegation.  Two points dropped by Everton and Liverpool close the gap to five points with a convincing 2-0 victory over Bolton at Anfield.

Apr 6  In the re-arranged League fixture, Liverpool defeat Blackburn convincingly to move to within two points of neighbours, Everton.  Squeaky bum time!

Apr 9  Liverpool overtake Everton in the chase for the fourth qualifying place in next season’s Champions League after a close encounter with Manchester City at the City of Manchester Stadium.  Despite the best efforts of Steve McManaman who scores his first ever hat-trick, the four Robbie Fowler own goals undo the home side.  Rafael Beneathus claims Liverpool are back after their greatest away win in 60 years.

Apr 10  The pressure is on an Everton team now down to the bare bones.  Nigel Martyn misses the game against his old club, Crystal Palace, after picking up a knock in training.  With Iain Turner still sidelined after his freak pre-match injury at Tottenham, in the FA Cup tie, manager David Moyes has no other option but to have faith in Academy keeper Sean Lake.  Goalkeeping coach, Chris Woods, steps out of retirement and re-registers as a player.  Lake has the game of his life but it’s Marcus Bent who gets the headlines with another late late Everton winner as the Blues return to fourth place in the race for Europe!

Apr 16  Villa Park has often been a happy hunting ground for Everton in cup semi-finals and this year proves no exception as Everton sweep Fulham aside.  Chris Woods replaces youngster Sean Lake and saves a penalty from the hapless Tomasz Radzinski.  Luis Boa Morte is sent off after a 12-man brawl between Fulham’s team and Duncan Ferguson who scores two.  Everton will face Chelsea in this season’s showpiece Final on May 21.  In the Premiership, Liverpool defeat Tottenham Hotspur to move once again ahead of Everton, into fourth place.

Apr 18  Good news for the Blue half of Merseyside as Nigel Martyn declares himself fit for Wednesday’s night clash with Manchester United at Goodison Park.  Liverpool manager Rafa Beneathus remains confident of his side’s chances of qualifying for the Champions League after their greatest ever win at Anfield in the club’s history.  Tomasz Radzinski, speaking on Sky Sports News, agrees.

Apr 19  Liverpool miss a glorious chance to creep further ahead of their rivals when held to a draw by Portsmouth on a night of missed chances at Fratton Park.  Manager Beneathus defends Steven Gerrard’s missed penalty in the last minute, blaming instead some bell-ringing twat.  He calls for an FA enquiry and a replay.  At Anfield.

Apr 20  The pressure is on Everton, now two points behind rivals Liverpool, as Manchester United return to Goodison Park for a vital Premiership fixture.  As a gesture of goodwill, BBC reporter Kate Adie is invited as a special guest by the Club and afforded the opportunity to try and win a car during the half time entertainment by hitting the crossbar.  She duly obliges and drives away with a brand new car.  In the game itself, a rampant United side dismantles threadbare Everton, again playing without Wayne Rooney.

Apr 21  Christopher Samuelson, speaking from Godthaab in Greenland, expresses his frustration at the continuing delay in bringing in the Fortress money.  He cites the magazine Private Eye as the latest reason for a delay with the investment.  Meanwhile, Everton release five youngsters from the Academy, including Sean Lake and Anthony Gerrard (who moves to Liverpool).  Keith Wyness denies any link to the players being released with Kate Adie’s ability to hit crossbars and win cars!

Apr 22  Everton’s trip to Arsenal, originally scheduled for April 16 has now been switched to next Wednesday, April 27 with an 8pm kick off.

Apr 23  Everton welcome back James Beattie for the Birmingham game.  Manager David Moyes is enthusiastic, “We’ve missed James – it’s like having a new player in the team.  We’ve missed his physical presence over recent weeks.”  Emile Heskey settles the result with a superb own goal, two minutes into injury time.  Unfortunately, Liverpool win away at Crystal Palace to remain two points clear of the Blue, who have one game in hand.

Top                                P      Pts
Chelsea                         34      87
Manchester United         34      80
Arsenal                         34      72
Liverpool                       35      61
Everton                         34      59

Apr 25 Christopher Samuelson dismisses claims made by the Liverpool Echo that his appearance in the Director’s Box at last Saturday’s Championship fixture at Elland Road between Leeds United and Ipswich Town links Sameulson’s Fortress Sports Fund with Ken Bates’s Genevan investment.  Samuelson instead states that the reason for his appearance, alongside Bates, was a rare chance to have a look at one of his Everton heroes, Joe Royle, now managing Ipswich Town.  “When I was a lot younger, I missed a lot of games due to being a student in Munich.  Joe Royle impressed me greatly as a player.  As a matter of fact, I was sitting in the airport in Buenos Aires last week, doing my crossword as I waited for my flight and one of the clues in the sports crossword referred to Little Joe and that inspired me to contact Mr Bates at Leeds United and request a ticket for Saturday’s game.  That’s all really.  I owe Mr Bates for the ticket but promised to invite him to dinner sometime soon.”

Apr 27  On a defining night, when Chelsea are crowned Champions for the first time in fifty years after a dramatic 2-1 win at Manchester United, Everton suffer a major setback in their quest for Champions League football with a defeat at Highbury.  Two second half goals from Jose Antonio Reyes sends Everton home pointless and still two behind neighbours Liverpool.

Apr 28  Rafa Beneathus congratulates fellow countryman, Reyes, for a sparkling performance last night at Highbury.  “He is a player I would like to bring to Liverpool – he would be very much at home here and we can offer him Champions League football also.  We are a better team than Everton.”

Apr 29  With the Michael Jackson trial now in full swing, Paul McCartney avails of the opportunity to buy back the publishing rights to all his previous works.  In a statement to the Liverpool Echo he regretfully declines any opportunity to invest in Merseyside football, claiming he’s now skint and Heather wouldn’t allow it.  Leon Osman is out of tomorrow’s match at Fulham due to a bizarre injury sustained during a team night out in London’s West End.  The Everton squad remained in London after the Arsenal defeat on Wednesday night and went along to see chairman Bill Kewnright’s production of “Blood Brothers”.  Inspired by the sight of Linda Nolan, back playing the role of Mrs Johnstone, young Osman decided he was in the mood for dancing.  Not a good idea from the height of a private box – he will now miss the rest of the season.

Apr 30  Liverpool defeat Middlesbrough at Anfield to remain on course for the Champions League.  Plucky Everton, now down to thirteen fit players (and Duncan Ferguson), stand their ground in the Battle of Craven Cottage.  Canadian international, Tomasz Radzinski, is sent off midway through the first half.  A misplaced cross by Tony Hibbert catches Edwin van der Saar off his line and the Blues win all three points to remain two behind Liverpool with two games remaining.

May 1  Christopher Samuelson, in the Liverpool Echo, denies his Fortress Sports Fund has aligned itself with Malcolm Glazer in a bid to buy control of Manchester United.

May 4  Everton announce that there will be an increase in ticket allocation for the FA Cup Final.  The club’s official song for reaching this season’s showpiece Final – a reworking of Robbie Williams’ “Millennium” – enters the charts at number 95.  With the club’s Megastore running out of stock, Everton are quick to issue a statement indicating that the association with JJB Sports will ensure that the single will be distributed throughout the nation.

May 7  Goodison Park is a sell-out for the last home game of the season, Newcastle United the visitors.  “Whatever happens now, I’m delighted for the players”, states manager Moyes, “It’s been a great season and I’m proud of the players – we’re delighted just to have stayed up so anything now is a bonus.”  With rumours of scorelines elsewhere flying around the stadium, the tension appears to get to the Everton players.  A goal right on half time from Alessandro Pistone eases the nerves.  However, two controversial penalties given by referee Graham Poll sees Alan Shearer equalling Jackie Milburn’s goalscoring record for the Magpies as Newcastle steal all three points to cement their own claims for European football next term – via the Fair Play route into the Intertoto Cup.  A collection of goalkeeping errors proves costly for Liverpool, at Arsenal, as they fail to secure that precious fourth Champions League place, losing 3-0.  It will go to the last day of the season.

May 9  The build up to next Saturday’s games begins with Liverpool manager Rafa Beneathus once again claiming that his Liverpool side are worthy entrants into next year’s Champions League.  Everton’s FA Cup Final record, “Millennium”, moves up to number 89 in the charts with the club offering fans a chance to get a free copy of the vinyl single with every purchase of a home shirt (prices now reduced).

May 10  Duncan Ferguson is doubtful for Saturday’s trip to Bolton Wanderers.

May 11  Liverpool CEO, Rick Parry, denies reports indicating that Steven Gerrard is Madrid-bound should they not secure fourth place on Saturday.  Meanwhile the cost of the proposed relocation to nearby Stanley Park continues to rise.

May 12  Everton chairman, Bill Kenwright, expresses his delight with manager David Moyes and the players who have taken Everton to the brink of Champions League football and a FA Cup Final place.  In a radio interview with BBC 5Live, the chairman speaks glowingly of the People’s Club returning to European football next season – “It’s great for the fans and great for the playing staff.  We have worked hard all season to ensure that David Moyes is able to strengthen the team.  We have worked tirelessly and, you know, David knows that we know that he knows that the finances are not what we would like them to be at this moment in time but by working hard together we can work it out so that the fans know and we know that the manager knows what he has to spend in the summer.  He’s happy with that.”  A mystery virus appears to have decimated Aston Villa’s squad ahead of their trip to Liverpool on Saturday.  A frustrated David O’Leary pleads with his chairman for four or five players in the summer.

May 13 Chairman Bill Kenwright refutes claims made in the Liverpool Echo that he said manager David Moyes would have money to spend in the summer.  Duncan Ferguson resumes light training ahead of tomorrow’s vital match at Bolton.

May 14  Aston Villa are forced to play the majority of their youth side at Anfield as the mystery virus takes its toll on O’Leary’s squad.  Everton face an uphill battle against a Bolton side fighting themselves for a European place.  Both games remain scoreless going into the last ten minutes.  A draw will suit Liverpool no matter what happens at the Reebok Stadium, as their goal difference remains superior to Everton’s.  Party time on the Kop as Aston Villa appear to have little to offer.  A late goal from Everton substitute Duncan Ferguson puts the Blues 1-0 up at Bolton.  It doesn’t matter however as Liverpool are holding onto the one point required for Champions League football.  Going into injury time, midfielder Steven Gerrard asks the referee how long is left – and gesticulates to his teammates that one minute remains.  Suddenly, a long ball over the top sees Gavin McCann striding through.  He collects it and takes it past the last Liverpool defender to slot home a dramatic winner, which sees Liverpool losing the fourth place spot to rivals Everton who hang on themselves to a 1-0 scoreline at Bolton.  David Moyes congratulates his players for the Herculean efforts all season, claiming they deserve the rewards and now focus on next week’s FA Cup Final.  Liverpool manager, Rafa Beaneathus, slams the FA for the amount of injury time played at Anfield, “it would not have happened in Spain.”  Villa manager, David O’Leary, is rightfully proud of his team: “we’ve a good bunch of lads at Villa Park, we’re a young team and we’re trying to get the basics right and build on that.  They’re a credit to themselves and to Aston Villa.”

Top                               P      Pts
Chelsea                        38      95
Manchester United        38      89
Arsenal                        38      82
Everton                        38      65
Liverpool                      38      64

May 16  Liverpool midfielder Steven Gerrard accepts that his future lies away from Anfield.

May 18  The Everton squad travels down to Cardiff for Saturday’s FA Cup Final showdown with newly crowned Champions, Chelsea.

May 20  On the eve of the FA Cup Final, the Liverpool Echo reports problems arising over the proposed Fortress Sports Fund investment at Everton Football Club.  Christopher Samuelson is not available for comment at this time.

May 21  A fairy tale end to the season sees Everton get the better of Jose Mourinho’s Chelsea.  James Beattie is the hero of the day scoring the winning goal.  Mourinho complains about the quality of the Millennium Stadium pitch, stating that the newly laid surface was too smooth and did not cut up as anticipated.  For Evertonians though it is a dream ending to a dream season.  Who would have thought back in August that Everton would achieve so much success?

So…

Everton qualify for the Champions League and win the FA Cup.  The Fortress Sports Fund money eventually arrived and Christopher Samuelson was a man of his word – he did not want a return on the investment, or control of the football club.  With the new investment sitting nicely alongside the millions earned from Sky, Everton were then able to bring in quality players over the summer and add them to those who signed new contracts at the Club.  Lee Carsley chose to move on, taking up Real Madrid’s offer to replace Hamburg bound Thomas Gravesen.  Michael Owen returned to English football and chose to sign for his boyhood club, Everton, ahead of many others interested in securing his services.  His old Anfield teammate, Steven Gerrard, eventually moved himself to Madrid, to play alongside Lee Carsley.

And in the end, they all lived happily ever after.

To be continued…